my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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