and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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