I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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