You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
