I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
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