When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
