I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
