i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
