The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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