I look better un-naked...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
They took my balls.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
