I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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