Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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