You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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