I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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