So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
