I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
