I cut my penus on the lid.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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