I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
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