i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
