I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
