i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
