You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
