I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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