At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
