i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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