Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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