hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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