We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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