When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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