Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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