I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
