At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize