I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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