My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
