the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
