So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
