He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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