So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
