drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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