Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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