i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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