Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
