My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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