You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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