He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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