yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize