Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
