I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
