im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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