dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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