HIV tests are more positive than that guy
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
