Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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