3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
