I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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