your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
