Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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